Putting some back
I've decide to repost some of my entries although not all of them. I lost some of the dates and all of the comments unfortunately. I'm going to take another stab at this it seems. We'll see how it goes.
SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 2004
The other thing that moving around because of work, working long hours plus commuting and celiac conspired to do was to isolate me from girlfriends. Most of my old friends are spread all over the place and we've grown apart.
It is hard to make friends at work because to do anything with them after work is nearly impossible and most are at least an hour away (commute) not to mention that there just aren't that many women in science.
I don't exactly relate all that well to "normal" women. By that I mean I don't have the same concerns or life experiences to create common ground with many of them. No kids is a big one along those lines. Not only that, but like I've been told, I've got many masculine turns of mind and often can relate better to men. There must be more women out there like me though - at least 4 more.
But I miss having girlfriends to confide in, especially now. Online friends, which I do have, are great but it isn't like sitting down over a cup of coffee with someone who can see the smile or the anguish on your face and who you know will love you no matter what.
This awakening has left me open to many feelings. One of them is lonliness and missing the company of women.
FRIDAY, JUNE 18, 2004
I've been doing a lot of it lately. Most isn't fit for public consumption, maybe it only gets seen by one or maybe a couple of people. Its an interesting process. I'm better at it than I thought I would be I think. Its also an interesting way to get at truths about yourself.
Sometimes it isn't so much about truths as trying on different feelings and attitudes, like trying on clothes to see if they fit.
I've got something to write for Monday. I'm sort of stuck though. The one I wrote last night came really easily but maybe it isn't quite so fitting anymore. I'm not sure. I'm looking to write something cheerful but I'm not quite there yet either. Maybe inspiration will come to me tomorrow. I'm usually better in the morning.
edited to add: Oh lovely, I think I just found my theme for the story!
posted by Prom at 5:32 PM 0 COMMENTS
Up down and sideways
I remember from when I was young that I used to see myself as a cork in the ocean. Big scary waves but hey, I can float. Buoyant - I'm starting to get some of that back. I'm tired of feeling so serious. Time for joy (not you Joy but hey, wanna give up men? - kidding).
Is it truly impossible to find all that you want in the same person?
Some people seem to do it. Is it a talent?
Stability and excitement, desire and security, love and friendship. All the things that go into making a life.
How much do you compromise? What do you give up, what do you insist on? How does this change over the course of your life?
How do people live in the here and now, become self sufficient but still open and giving?
Lots of questions today and no answers. You'd think I'd understand all this stuff by now.
That's where a lot of this started. I want some. I'm not getting any. All this sorting stuff out isn't getting me any either and in fact may be taking me further away from nice simple recreational sex.
Gawwk
Why does a relatively fun and simple physical act have to be burdened with so much meaning?
Why are we wired this way?
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16, 2004
I met a man who was different from the kind of man that usually attracted me. Safe, non-emotional, steady, didn't make many demands on my energy. Right away he knew he wanted me in his life. He saw my intellectual self, that I could be kind and rational. He never saw me as I was before I was tired.
He became a safe harbor to me. For a decade he's been that safe, unexciting, undemanding safe harbor. He's a good man but as asexual as can be. Lives mostly in his head. Only wants that I be a pleasant companion and not rock the boat. Well the boat doesn't rock much and as Mabess says, it should sometimes.
My nice comfy safe harbor has become my satin lined coffin I think.
Choose. How many people do I hurt when I choose?
Do I hurt myself with this choice?
It would be all so much easier were I 30 but I'm not. I'm 52 years old and the little rational voice in my head says I should be satisfied with this comfy little coffin.
Choose.
It sucks to choose.
I was sick for many years but I didn't know it. I hit my late 30's profoundly tired, not a little bit depressed and sort of hanging on by my fingertips.
Before that I was your classic understated risk taker and intensity seeker. Follower after experience as a way to grow and know myself more. I was never career or goal oriented early on but got that way out of both curiosity, needing more and self defense.
By late 30's almost all my decisions were made out of self defense.
Then, a decade later, I got diagnosed with a disease that I'd never heard of before, celiac, it explained so much and was easy (well sort of) to fix - just never eat wheat again. It robbed me of my energy and part of my life although I did do some good things during that time. But I'm well now and back to myself, me again but with some serious decisions to make.
This is my starting point.
SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 2004
Girlfriends
The other thing that moving around because of work, working long hours plus commuting and celiac conspired to do was to isolate me from girlfriends. Most of my old friends are spread all over the place and we've grown apart.
It is hard to make friends at work because to do anything with them after work is nearly impossible and most are at least an hour away (commute) not to mention that there just aren't that many women in science.
I don't exactly relate all that well to "normal" women. By that I mean I don't have the same concerns or life experiences to create common ground with many of them. No kids is a big one along those lines. Not only that, but like I've been told, I've got many masculine turns of mind and often can relate better to men. There must be more women out there like me though - at least 4 more.
But I miss having girlfriends to confide in, especially now. Online friends, which I do have, are great but it isn't like sitting down over a cup of coffee with someone who can see the smile or the anguish on your face and who you know will love you no matter what.
This awakening has left me open to many feelings. One of them is lonliness and missing the company of women.
FRIDAY, JUNE 18, 2004
Writing
I've been doing a lot of it lately. Most isn't fit for public consumption, maybe it only gets seen by one or maybe a couple of people. Its an interesting process. I'm better at it than I thought I would be I think. Its also an interesting way to get at truths about yourself.
Sometimes it isn't so much about truths as trying on different feelings and attitudes, like trying on clothes to see if they fit.
I've got something to write for Monday. I'm sort of stuck though. The one I wrote last night came really easily but maybe it isn't quite so fitting anymore. I'm not sure. I'm looking to write something cheerful but I'm not quite there yet either. Maybe inspiration will come to me tomorrow. I'm usually better in the morning.
edited to add: Oh lovely, I think I just found my theme for the story!
posted by Prom at 5:32 PM 0 COMMENTS
Up down and sideways
I remember from when I was young that I used to see myself as a cork in the ocean. Big scary waves but hey, I can float. Buoyant - I'm starting to get some of that back. I'm tired of feeling so serious. Time for joy (not you Joy but hey, wanna give up men? - kidding).
Same person
Is it truly impossible to find all that you want in the same person?
Some people seem to do it. Is it a talent?
Stability and excitement, desire and security, love and friendship. All the things that go into making a life.
How much do you compromise? What do you give up, what do you insist on? How does this change over the course of your life?
How do people live in the here and now, become self sufficient but still open and giving?
Lots of questions today and no answers. You'd think I'd understand all this stuff by now.
Sex
That's where a lot of this started. I want some. I'm not getting any. All this sorting stuff out isn't getting me any either and in fact may be taking me further away from nice simple recreational sex.
Gawwk
Why does a relatively fun and simple physical act have to be burdened with so much meaning?
Why are we wired this way?
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16, 2004
A Safe Harbor
I met a man who was different from the kind of man that usually attracted me. Safe, non-emotional, steady, didn't make many demands on my energy. Right away he knew he wanted me in his life. He saw my intellectual self, that I could be kind and rational. He never saw me as I was before I was tired.
He became a safe harbor to me. For a decade he's been that safe, unexciting, undemanding safe harbor. He's a good man but as asexual as can be. Lives mostly in his head. Only wants that I be a pleasant companion and not rock the boat. Well the boat doesn't rock much and as Mabess says, it should sometimes.
My nice comfy safe harbor has become my satin lined coffin I think.
Choose. How many people do I hurt when I choose?
Do I hurt myself with this choice?
It would be all so much easier were I 30 but I'm not. I'm 52 years old and the little rational voice in my head says I should be satisfied with this comfy little coffin.
Choose.
It sucks to choose.
Setting the tone
I was sick for many years but I didn't know it. I hit my late 30's profoundly tired, not a little bit depressed and sort of hanging on by my fingertips.
Before that I was your classic understated risk taker and intensity seeker. Follower after experience as a way to grow and know myself more. I was never career or goal oriented early on but got that way out of both curiosity, needing more and self defense.
By late 30's almost all my decisions were made out of self defense.
Then, a decade later, I got diagnosed with a disease that I'd never heard of before, celiac, it explained so much and was easy (well sort of) to fix - just never eat wheat again. It robbed me of my energy and part of my life although I did do some good things during that time. But I'm well now and back to myself, me again but with some serious decisions to make.
This is my starting point.
1 Comments:
I liked what you wrote about girlfriends. I'm in the same boat as you with real life girlfriends. My friend Kristy is the kind of friend you describe and she's the only one I have like that. I'm so greatful that I have her to share with. She laughs with me, cries with me, and as you said, can see in my eyes whether there's joy or anguish. She loves me and accepts me when I'm being stupid, and cheers me on when I do something awesome. Our lives and concerns are different....I'm a single straight mom, she's a lesbian who has never had kids. But, we have shared experiences together that have bonded us, and we think alike in many ways. Its precious. I hope you can find that.
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